I feel inadequate in some area of my life, let's say, I have a problem accepting circumstances that I can't control. When I feel like there is nothing I can do about a challenge or an issue I get upset with myself internally. Enter, you, my partner. You are not responding successfully to a situation where you feel you are out of control. My response, I get upset with you because you are not seeing things rightly or with common sense. Essentially what I am doing is seeing my problem with a particular situation similar to what you are going through but I am uncomfortable seeing the reality of my issue so I project my shortcoming or response out to you. I am unable or unwilling to see clearly my weaknesses so I see them in your behaviour therefore relieving myself of the responsibility for seeing clearly what is really my stuff and not yours.

In other words, my weaknesses become your weaknesses whether you have them or not and then I criticize you for them because I am unable to see my own emotional or behavioural blind spots. Let me give you a real example from my recent life.

My former wife keeps sharing her mantra with me - that a goal without a plan is a wish. I heard that from her for years. Here's the situation. I have always had goals and plans and I always move steadily toward them with passion, effort and commitment. On the other hand, she has never set goals and has this picture of life that it should always be perfect no matter what we do, don't do or happens. She is unwilling to see clearly that her issue is not my lack of goals or plans but that she doesn't have them or they are not clear or specific. Therefore she keeps blaming me for her life because of my lack of goals or plans, that I am wishing my way through life.

Your projection is not a problem or issue for your partner it is a problem of your own. Your partner's projection of his or her emotional or psychological stuff is not your problem but their problem. Our lives are what we make them based on our own reality. Our reality is forged, modified and developed continuously based on any number of emotional, environmental or social factors but in the end each of us is responsible for our own view of life and its circumstances.

When we project we fail to bring the learning, introspection and evaluation of our need for growth back to ourselves and therefore we often sabotage our learning and growth about how to find peace and happiness. Sooner or later you will have to confront yourself as the major contributor to many of your life issues or challenges. I love the quote by Pogo which says, "Everywhere you go, there you are." In other words, you can't leave you behind. You take you into all of your relationships, problems, life situations and circumstances. And remember, if you have recurring challenges in any area of your life there is a common denominator, it's you.

Tim Connor, CSP is an internationally renowned sales, management and leadership speaker, trainer and best selling author. Since 1981 he has given over 4000 presentations in 21 countries on a variety of sales, management, leadership and relationship topics. He is the best selling author of over 70 books including; Soft Sell, That's Life, SOLD, 81 Challenges Managers Face and Your First Year In Sales. He can be reached at tim@timconnor.com, 704-895-1230 or visit his websites at www.timconnor.com or www.soldbook.com